As of today, I’ve lost 5.6 pounds.

This number might not seem like a big deal to most, but it’s huuuuge for me right now. Two weeks ago, I finally decided to say fuck-all to conflicting nutrition recommendations and strict diets. I’ve said it a million times before, but I never did it. I felt safer hiding behind low calorie diets or diets that severely restricted certain foods. I kept on binge eating. I kept gaining weight. I’ve wasted so much time worrying that I’m not following “the perfect diet for PCOS” or “the perfect diet for insulin resistance” or whatever that I’ve used it as an excuse to not make any changes- or make changes that I either knew wouldn’t be good for me, or wouldn’t be permanent. I’d say “I don’t want a diet, I want a lifestyle change” but then I’d try to find the next super restrictive diet I could hide behind. It’s an exhaustive & overwhelming world out there, especially when you have a history of disordered eating.

So two weeks ago, I decided to just start eating what I liked + more of what I think is healthy for me. Focus on intuitive eating + a bit of calorie counting (but not extreme calorie restriction), at least initially, because I do believe they can coexist. Watch my portions, limit (but not eliminate) my sweets. It isn’t a diet in the typical sense of the word & it hasn’t been a difficult transition. I’ve still gone out and eaten yummy stuff and not felt anxious or guilty about it. I’ve had salads and I’ve had chili cheese fries. It sounds so obvious, but I’ve spent so much of my life dealing with my destructive all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to food and diets. Finding this middle ground, even for a moment, is really promising.

I no longer want weight loss at the expense of health or happiness. I don’t miss my sad summers of 1000 calorie diets & Lean Cuisines for lunch and dinner. I want my LIFE to be healthier and I believe my body will follow. So yeah, it’s only been two weeks, but I’m so excited by what they could represent. I want to reach a healthier weight, but I want to get there through a healthier relationship with food. I know this is part of what was missing in my previous weight loss efforts. I lost the weight, but I never developed a healthy relationship with food. So I gained the weight back. And I used to think losing weight would help me learn to love myself, but I eventually realized I had to love myself regardless of my weight. Weight and self love aren’t even on the same spectrum. They’re wholly & utterly unrelated. I now love myself enough to try this intuitive eating approach. I love myself enough to start to learn to trust myself with food. And yeah, it’s a little scary. But it’s also liberating. I can’t wait to see where I go from here.

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